


I choose to be happy

by onefortheluna



Category: Gintama
Genre: AU within Canonverse(?), Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Depression, Developing Relationship, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, I cant tag for the life of me but i swear it's something good so please bear with me teehee haha, Love and Hurt, Mentions of Death, Okita Sougo Needs a Hug, Protect Sougo, Slice of Life, Sougo-Centric, Suicidal Thoughts, joy and pain, life and death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:20:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28386147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onefortheluna/pseuds/onefortheluna
Summary: When he'd collapsed in that alley way, he'd really thought it was finally his time. All these images, these memories, they started flashing before his eyes.He was sure if he called for help someone would hear and come. If he forced himself to he could get himself to stand and drag himself out of the darkness.Instead, he stayed there. He's realizing that he's actually been waiting for this moment to come. And now that it's here, he won't let it slip out of his hands.Yeah, may be he silently did pray for this every day of his life. An escape. A get away. Anything that would take him to his sister.He's a jerk. He's an ass. He's a piece of shit. Selfish and cruel and a coward and he deserves to die alone.-She's staring at her lap, and he stares at her back. When she speaks, he can barely hear her. She says he's sick. Her voice is so small.Is it something serious.She doesn't answer. It can be treated, is what she says.What is it?Cancer.He pauses. Oh.Yeah. His sister had cancer too.
Relationships: Kagura & Okita Sougo, Kagura/Okita Sougo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello.
> 
> I wrote something for Okikagu. Surprise surprise. I'm kinda out of touch because I haven't been here on ao3 for so long (school) so I'm sorry if it the tags don't make much sense but the summary pretty much sums everything up.
> 
> That being said, i hope you all enjoy this piece. Uhhhh leave a comment? Kudos? Idk, tell me what you think about this.
> 
> ( the year is closing... so surreal, am I rite)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhhh so here's the first chapter.
> 
> Kudos. Comment. Anything, just let me know what you think about this and if you would like me to continue?? Yeap. 
> 
> Have a nice day ! 💜

* * *

_"But I'm only human,_  
_And I bleed when I fall down,_  
_I'm only human,_  
_And I crash and I break down."_

* * *

Sougo has never been sick his whole life.  
  
He's been injured, yeah. Terribly even. But he's never caught a cold, suffered from a cough or contracted an STD.  
  
It's not that he's super healthy. He really isn't. He consumes a considerable amount of junk though it doesn't really show. His body is just built that way.  
  
It's almost like when God made him, he made sure to give him everything he robbed his sister of. Like a functioning immune system for starters.  
  
He's still not sure how he feels about that even now. He guesses he should be grateful. It's what would be normal- it's a blessing afterall isn't it? But he can't find anything to be grateful for, having outlived the only family he had left in the world.  
  
The only family he had in the world is gone but he's not alone.  
  
There's Hijikata, Kondou and everyone at the station. There's more: Gin, Otae and everyone else. Even the terrorist seems to hold some sort of prominence in his life. As fueled by a 'hunt-and-rip apart' instinct as that particular bond is.  
  
He can be a collosal ass. But they stick around. Generally speaking, they're a bunch of weirdos. Every one of them. But they're okay weirdos.  
  
Through thick and thin, they've been this huge team and he's been a part of it. These are the people who are there. The people who he guesses care for some reason. About his well being, his state of mind. Just him.  
  
He's reminded of this when he's at his worst and it should make him feel a little lighter but it gets him extremely depressed.  
  


* * *

  
When he'd collapsed in that alley way, he really thought it was finally his time. All these images, these memories, they started flashing before his eyes.  
  
He was sure if he called for help someone would hear and come. If he forced himself to he could get himself to stand and drag himself out of the darkness.  
  
Instead, he stayed there.

* * *

  
  
Sougo is realizing that he's actually been waiting for this moment to come. And now that it's here, he won't let it slip out of his hands.  
  
Yeah. In the end, he loves his sister more than anything.  
  
He has friends here. People who cared. People who would probably mourn him. People who would probably miss having him around. People who would think about him from time to time once he's gone.  
  
But really, he always needed his sister more than they would ever need him.  
  
For years, he told himself this. Every night he lay awake in bed listlessly. Every waking moment he spent trying to push through. He rationalized this thought. This selfish, blissfully ignorant thought. And it became a belief.  
  
Yeah, may be he silently did pray for this every day of his life. An escape. A get away. Anything that would take him to his sister.  
  
He's a jerk. He's an ass. He's a piece of shit. Selfish and cruel and a coward and he deserves to die alone.  
  
She was the only happiness he'd ever known. He remembered this everyday. It was painful and it felt like hell everytime. He would be fine and cackling diabolically, plotting and stirring a little chaos here and there one moment and then the next he would suddenly remember she's gone it would kill him on the inside.  
  
Between the constant banter, bicker and beef that tried to keep him alive and active, he doesn't think he could have lasted very long.  
  
So he is willing. Almost entirely. His heart feels heavy, and a seed of reluctance threatens to sprout in his chest. But he doesn't want to think about it. He feels it would make everything hurt so much more. Maybe he deserved a painful death too, above a lonely one.  
  
But their sympathy, their pity, their sorrow, their tears- they'd be wasting it if they spent it on him. He doesn't want them wasting any more on him. After they'd done so much to keep him alive, he's just throwing it all away because he wants more than just one new reason to smile every other day. He wants to smile and laugh and be happy, for the rest of his life. He knows he's greedy.  
  
Again, he rationalizes, he'd be that with his sister.  
  
He doesn't realize he's been holding his breathe, hanging onto it, stalling. But he has been, and black spots litter his blurry vision. If he won't die from whatever it is that's got him, he'll certainly die from a lack of oxygen.  
  
It's almost like he's waiting. Which is weird, because like on every other waking morning, he sat before his sister's altar and silently prayed today would be the day she came to fetch him.  
  
He isn't scared of dying. Only dumb people fear death. He maybe obtuse but he certainly isn't dumb. He isn't afraid of the afterlife either. He isn't religious and earnestly doesn't think such a thing truly exists but he knows ghosts are real.  
  
He'd be fine with wandering around aimlessly as an airy appiration so long as his sister be with him.  
  
He would be lying if he said he wasn't a little sad about leaving the people he knew in this world behind.  
  
But he's sure they would move on eventually; time may have failed at healing his own gaping wound but it would surely heal a scratch. Because at the end of the day, just like how he knows they know noone can be what his sister had been for him, he knows that he's not anyone's most favourite person and he's okay with that.  
  
He doesn't expect anyone to hold him in the same regard he did his sister, at the top of the world, the centre of everything-over his own life.  
  
Hijikata likes to make it seem like he cares almost that much, Kondou too, but one is a nicotine-mayonnaise addict and the other is a stalker-gorilla. Can't really trust the way they behave or the words they say. He thinks they're idiots but he does think they'd miss him most when he died. He'd like to visit his own funeral to watch the two cry and laugh his ass off about it-  
  
But then he doesn't know if he wants to see all those long faces and be reminded that he did that to them because he was just too damn selfish.  
  
Sougo lets out a wan breathe and lets his eyes fall shut. It's cold. Very cold. He feels it in his bones, slowly consuming him like a thick shroud. He wonders if he's shivering but he can't even feel his toes.  
  
It's dark. It's dark behind his lids. The memories have stopped flashing so he thinks it's time now. Finally- it feels like hours have passed by.  
  
Is anyone alert? He wonders in vain. Are they searching for him? Have they noticed his absence? Or are they going about their day as normal? If they forgot about him and time went by, would he never have a funeral? That won't do. He needed to have one in order to meet his sister....  
  
He wonders if it's too late to take those prayers he'd made back. He still wants to die, but not today. Not like this. He really should have thought this through.  
  
But his eyes won't open and his limbs won't move. He tries. Countless times. He can hear himself grunt in effort, barely. He's not sure if his ears are clogged or if his voice is just that weak.  
  
Either way, he can literally feel his soul being dragged out of him and he surmises there's nothing that could save him now.  
  
Not only was he selfish, greedy and cruel. He was naive and dumb. Dying such a miserable death over a miscalculation.  
  
Yeah, he would shrug if he could, this is the perfect death for someone like him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Happy New Year! 
> 
> So! Here's another chapter. Hope you like it!
> 
> Comment, Kudos, Enjoy and have a great day! 💜💜

  
Sougo wakes up and sees blinding white.  
  
He blinks, to adjust to the light. Also to make sure this isn't some sort of illusion.  
  
It didn't make sense that he ended up in heaven. Heaven didn't even exist and if it did there's no way he'd be placed in the same place as his sister. She was a saint.  
  
He must be in hell then.  
  
This was some sort of illusion that's supposed to be cruel he guesses. He's been standing under a sort of heat that could peel his skin off unprovoked for too long. His brain is fried and now he's seeing things. It happened in deserts. Seemed about right. Except it's not.  
  
His senses come back to him slowly. Whatever he's laying on is a bit more stiff than fluffy, but not entirely uncomfortable for someone who sleeps on a futon spread on wooden flooring.  
He can hear birds chirping, pen on paper, a constant beep- and sometimes voices in hushes that echo. He tries to smell the air, realizes he can't because he has an oxygen mask on his face.  
  
His eyes shoot wide open. _Fuck._ He starts panicking. _What the fuck is going on?_  
  
He's still feeling a little heavy in the limbs, faint in the head- but his flight instinct has him shooting up from the bed and tugging all the wires and shit connected to him in a millisecond.  
  
The tiles are cold on his feet, he might have flinched and winced, but there are hands on him now and his fight instinct kicks in with intensity.  
  
They're trying to restrain him, hold him down and they're damned lucky he's virtually weak to the bone-but he catches a glint in the corner of his eyes, a damned needle, and that's his cue to begin trashing even more.  
  
Someone is yelling his name in a way that sounds painful, voices that should comfort him for how familiar they are. But these voices are coming from the people who have joined hands with the doctors and nurses who want to fucking tranquilize him.  
  
They're telling to calm down, to fucking relax and stay still.  
  
Had he not been occupied with fighting for his right to not be fucking put down like some sort of rabid monster, he would've levelled them with a bland look that said ' are you for real?'   
  
Are they insane?  
  
There's no way in hell he's letting them freaking tranquilize him.

* * *

  
Sougo has always been stronger than the average person. He would like to think that he's still such even while a bit beaten down. He gets away- trash around like a lunatic and they'll loosen their hold enough- and bursts through the door the first chance he gets without sparing s glance back.  
  
He's sprinting down the halls in a hospital gown. He gets plenty curious looks. Yeah, he nods at the gobsmacked old lady he zooms past, his bottom on display, he thinks he's crazy too. Not as out of it as those bastards he's escaping from.

* * *

  
People tend to underestimate him due to his sluggish tendencies. But he's actually a good runner.  
  
He leaves them far behind. The nurse and doctors must have fallen off some time ago. Hijikata and Kondou are nothing but little specks in the distance. They never stood a chance anyways. One most probably suffers from a breathing disorder due to his obsession with smoking and the other may be an ape but Otae made the fact that his stamina left much to be desired no secret.  
  
He's lost them, and he's heading towards the exit- but he still feels lost because he doesn't know what to do.  
  
So he gets there, gets out and then what. What does he do? Where does he go? Who does he turn to?  
  
He skids to a halt as a flash of colour stops infront of him. There are at the entrance.  
  
First thing he notices is the umbrella. Then the red dress. Then, as she lifts it over her head, striking blue eyes. They're slightly wide, and they're staring straight into his.  
  
'China,' he breathes, and he's surprised she could have heard him considering the length of space in between them. He could barely hear himself- the roar rushing in his ears, the heavy heave of his breath; it's defeaning.  
  
He feels like he's really loosing his mind.  
  
Maybe she sees the plea in his frantic eyes. Maybe she hears it in the way his voice breaks.  
  
Kagura lowers her umbrella and holds a hand out.  
  
'Come on,'  
  
Gladly, he takes it and let's her take him away.  



End file.
